The concept behind the song M I L E S has probably been brewing in me since I began to realize how disconnected so many things in my life were, and began to doubt how God worked in all of it. There was a point, maybe near the end of college, when I think I began to believe somehow that God only used the put together people, the strong people, the ones who seemed like they had it all together. I thought maybe that the idea of being known AND loved was impossible - that if God fully knew my heart and all its brokenness, then it would cause Him to love me less. Or if He fully loved me, then that meant He didn't know everything about me.
I, just like you, have been through challenges in this life. I am constantly getting in my own way. I am self-sabotaging. I am stubborn and I am proud and weak all at the same time. And there are so many moments in my life I look back on and wonder, "What the heck was I thinking!?" I have, in the past, struggled with my outlook on getting older- looking at life as a journey in which we collect bad experiences, mistakes, and unresolved situations that we have to continue to live with. More time, more failure that I cannot understand, the further I will feel from innocence and the purity of past seasons. Will I just have a bunch of broken pieces at the end of my life?
But on Monday night, as I was getting ready for bed, I was suddenly filled with the most joyful thankfulness for everything I have gone through in life. It was like God lifted my spirits to a new perspective, to His perspectives on my past. All my wrong decisions, seasons of crippling fear, depressions, failures, were illuminated in such a beautiful fashion. It was like a sunrise in my heart. It was like I could see the whole picture, just for a moment, of God's plan for my life. It is easier for me to have grace on the situations that are outside of my control, but have always struggled with dealing with grace for the mistakes I chose. But suddenly there was grace over all of it, it was all the same. I began to see myself through the eyes of the Father who looks at His baby. Love is the core of who He is, not anger, frustration or control. To a Father, it doesn't matter if His son chooses to touch the stove or if a kid on the playground picks on him, all that matters is that His kid is not experiencing the fullness of life that is out there. I think it might be the same with God. He has infinite compassion for the "why" behind our wandering. Man becomes angered with the failures themselves, but I think what God really hates is all the forces that push His children to act short of who they're supposed to be. He doesn't see me for the times I have chosen wrong, but is committed to seeing me through the process of understanding the deep, deep "why" and has infinite compassion for the process of life. It is truly a hike through deep mud and beautiful views and everything in between.
My spirit rejoiced in this revelation and I began to thank God for everything. Then this song poured out. The next day I finished up the lyric and made this recording. I started at about one o'clock in the afternoon and went to 12:30AM, with a taco break in there :). I truly got lost in the wonder of making this song and the truth behind it. When I was singing it, I felt the joy of the LORD in me. I have never had an experience like this recording music. But, I thank God for this song and for the opportunity to sing and create this music to help frame who He is. Hope you enjoy it!
There's the song and here are the lyrics if you want to take a look at them! Here's a little underneath some of the lines:
"Pin light in the dark." Sometimes God seems really far way. Sometimes hope seems really far away. But to me, in dark times, I see it as a pin light in the distance. Where even 1 speck of light is enough to keep me going. Keep on believing and holding onto that light in the distance. It will get bigger.
"That strengthened my feet to dance." This is a metaphor for the principles of discipline. Failures and trials grow our faith and our character. We should thank God for all the trials in our life because if we let Him, He can use it to build up substance in our hearts. Strength is not given but earned through repeatedly trusting and exercising the muscle of faith in the face of trials. Our souls are being strengthened with every obstacle.
"With you I stand, look back and smile." One of my spiritual parents prayed the other week that I would be able to laugh at the future. That I would be filled with hope when I thought about life. I think we can also look back on the things we have experienced and smile too. It's like I'm looking back on things that felt like crisis in the moment and seeing all the purpose. Life can feel serious, but it really doesn't have to be that heavy. We can laugh at life.
"Can this view sustain me? Let me remember. Every winter you turned to spring. Let me remember." This is a prayer that came out when I was recording the song. This explains the doubt that I face after almost every big work God does in my life. Is this just a feeling or is this something that has changed deep in my heart? I am so forgetful. Help me remember. The last line might be one of my favorites. "Every winter you turned to spring. Let me remember." None of us would ever doubt that after every winter is a spring. We have spring every year. How silly would it be to doubt it? This was my prayer to view God's faithfulness this way. He will bring the new seasons in my life, just like He brings the new seasons to the Earth.
This was a special one for me, yall! It has been a joy to write it and share it. It has helped me to process my own life and hope is has helped you along the way too. Thank you for reading about the song and listening if you have. More to come soon.