Cities are laid brick by brick. There is no shortcut to anything worthwhile. I am in the thick of this process. Exhausting days of trying to figure out how to best make this recording, a million different voices going on inside my head. I truly believe that the closer you get to something really important, that harder the process becomes. Extreme resistance and discomfort precede something beautiful, almost always. I tend to forget this and become surprised when things gets difficult. But, I want to learn how to settle into the growing pains of life and trust.
It's Thursday afternoon of March 15th, just come out of two full days in the studio. It was intense the battle when doing this round. I start to have these crazy thoughts. "Is this music even GOOD?" "Do you really believe any of this stuff you're singing?" "Look at your life, does it even match up to this message?" ... and all these doubts. I am so engrossed in this process that I have begun worrying. I think by worrying I can control... which we all know is the opposite of the truth. But I battled through, reminding myself to trust the process and remembering that the most important part of this whole this is showing up with a "yes." Whenever I'm making records of my own, near the end I have an incredible weight on me. It's a fear to move forward, almost as if the importance of the work begins to discourage me. On Monday I couldn't even get out of bed. I just laid there, almost dreading having to "show up" with my vulnerability again in the studio. But again, I chose to get up and go, head first into the doubts I had about myself, and I showed up.
Exploring the voice, exploring truth, making something important and worthwhile, requires a deep giving and a deep openness. It requires sacrifice of effort, time, and your soul. This album is costing me a lot. But beneath everything that has been difficult and challenging, the underlying hope remains. "This is going to be worth it. It always is."
Last night, I mixed down all the songs and threw them on a CD. about 1AM last night popped it in the truck, blasted the heat and took a drive down Milledge ave all the way to the end and back. Sometimes it is so easy to lose sight of why you started out doing something in the first place. It's really easy in music. It happens to me a hundred times per day probably, that I lose sight. But regaining sight is as simple as shifting your gaze back to the center. I think I had lost sight through the worry, the gripping, and the control of the process and I felt empty because of it. So on my drive, I just listened and I settled back into my question, "Do you really believe this?" And I settled in with the loneliness of the drive, thanked God for the music and the things He's given me, and remembered the answer. "Yes, beneath everything that could ever come your way, absolutely yes."
The album is being made, I literally cannot wait to share it and invite people into the story. Thanks for reading. - AB