A Bamboo's Life

We huddled into the beach bar to escape the rainstorm. Just moments ago, we were all on the beach. Not being from here, I was amazed at how quickly the storm was right over us. We ordered some drinks to bide the time and wait out the storm, contemplating where we could eventually feast on oysters to cap off an amazing day of just being able to be outside and enjoy the beach and the sun. Suddenly, a monstrous roar erupts as thunder strikes near the bar. Everyone goes quiet. The song ends. And there is silence for just a fraction of a second… Then, the sun came out and the song “Return Of the Mack” begins playing as the radio transitions not only the song, but what felt like a new moment in time. As the sun began to rise, the restaurant raised its blinds to reveal the most beautiful double rainbow I have ever seen. Not only have I never seen a full rainbow from horizon to horizon, but on this day I saw two. We said “FUCK THIS BAR", closed our tabs, and ran out to the beach as we just saw this double rainbow glisten before us. The rainbow was so clear it looked like there were multiple rainbows coming out of it. In the middle of the rainbow, placed perfectly in the middle, was a cargo barge. To my eyes, it looked like the barge was lit by a studio light or something… perfectly highlighted by the sun. I ran back to the car to get my film camera. But as I returned not only did I realize that the camera was out of film, but that the entire moment had passed. I will never forget what I saw on this day with my friends Ryan and Brittany. It will continue to be one of my most cherished memories. But anyways y'all, haha thanks for reading that I just had to write about that experience somewhere… But anyways thank you for coming to check out my blog! For anyone who is new to this blog, I used to blog a lot more and just through the last few years of going through my tattoo apprenticeship and art journey, I haven’t made as much time for it. But typically I just write about how I’m feeling, how I’m looking at life, what lessons I’m learning, and about some of my creative process. I hope that by inviting you into some of my life in this way, we can find some common ground in life and that we can inspire each other to move forward. I feel like life, especially in these days, can feel quite isolating, and I believe that it is the sharing of ourselves (vulnerability) that ultimately bridges that gap. I have felt this deep desire, almost more like a conviction, to start writing again and to shift my energies to a different direction. I had a realization the other day that for the most part, my entire 20’s (quite literally) was spent on apps. I thought about it, I got instagram when I was like 19 or something, and it has been concrete & solid part of my everyday existence for over 10 years. The more I thought about it, the more I started to imagine a life without it. For much of this time, this interface has been influencing my decisions, relationships, and overall life in so many more ways than I could even admit to you. And idk man it just made me think.. for the last two years I have built virtually my entire business and brand through instagram. I had my assistant download and save all my reels, and its in the hundreds. I once remade a reel 12 times from scratch because the app kept crashing. But I got it through! I have instagram to thank for a lot of the foundation of my audience, clients, and art buyers… as well as the ability to share myself with virtually the whole world. But, in the recent times of my life, just for me personally, I just can’t stop thinking about who I would be without it. Thinking about leaving instagram brings up all sorts of questions and fears… “what if I miss out on something?” “what if no one buys my art anymore?” “what if no one comes to my events?” “what if I can’t meet someone?”… all these things. But to me, it is the presence of these fears that is a reason I feel like I’m making a change… it’s like that’s exactly where they get you… with all this FOMO of varying degrees. I wanted to change directions for my own health and also I’m just interested in art, writing, experiences, making money, and finding the truth of my life. In a way, I began to feel deeply its insincerity and its illusion. It’s almost a cliche to even say out loud now… but it’s really not all that real in the end. I’m embarking a personal journey to prove to myself that I can change, and that I really try anything I want to. I want to prove to myself that I don’t need to sell all my soul into algorithms, reels, and online “CLOUT” to be happy, successful, at peace, or one bad ass motherfucker. All that is very possible and very available in real life. There is a principle within power dynamics that states to increase your power, you withdraw your presence. I feel like the last two years were my time to be seen all the time. I needed to do that to be where I’m at now. But I’m entering a new realm with different rules. I want my mind to speak for itself now, through my writing and through my art and creations. I’ll still be posting art and on my business page, but I’m just gonna let it down for a second and focus on my art, brand, writing, and my relationships. I want to focus on this blog, as I feel like this isn’t really social media I’m just processing what I think out loud. In essence, I feel like I am transitioning from a width stage, to a depth stage. And this is where it will go down. So… if you’re along for the ride… welcome and thank you. But, without further delay, I wanted to write about my experience in Savannah putting on my first out of town solo art show… The Summer Outside I wanted to do a show in Savannah because this city has a total vibe. It’s by the ocean, beautiful architecture, amazing food, drinks, coffee, everything… What I began to appreciate even more was how the businesses were running their shows. It was so creative, and also so folk. It’s hard to describe, but if you ever get the chance to experience Savannah through its creative people… take the opportunity. It is totally unique and beautiful. I am thankful to have met all of you in Savannah, and thank you for accepting and supporting my artwork. “The Summer Outside” is a new show I put together over the last few months as I was opening my store in Atlanta. A lot of these paintings were created right inside Ponce City Market. I swear this experience is teaching me how to focus and paint anywhere. A lot of these works were created while running my store Blooms Emporium, tending to customers, while people watching me, people asking me “how long it took.” I’m not sure what I was thinking by trying to open a shop and do an art show at the same time… but hey this is how we roll now. It is possible! The picture I posted is one of the paintings called “Cafe Koi,” which was painted using some espresso from our bar and canvas I spontaneously bought downstairs at Ponce. It is created on canvas using a combination of coffee, sumi ink, liquid acrylic, watercolors, and glitter. If you look close, the glitter has hearts and stars inside it. If you want to see the rest of the works from the show, check them out here. The entire show is on view in the Cobra Room inside the Lone Wolf Lounge in Savannah Georgia until September. So please go check it out yall and tell your friends. Where There Is A Will Since this was my first out of town show, I was definitely nervous. I didn’t know what to expect or how everything would be received. I knew that we had to do everything in our power to put on the best show possible. One thing I’m realizing about “trying your best” is that it is the antidote to a lot of regret. I’m looking at it this way now… instead of asking “is this enough” as yourself “is this my best?” I’m realizing for myself that if I do my personal best in everything I do, not matter if it soars or if it is a complete failure, I can rest at peace knowing that the outcome wasn’t up to me. I look at doing everything I can as half of my bargain with the universe. And it meets me there almost every time. To promote the show, my assistant Sophia and I went around to every neighborhood and business we could on the morning of the show with a flyer that said “ART SHOW TONIGHT AT LONE WOLF LOUNGE.” I got 200 printed and by the end of the day we had a stack of about 50, which means we made contact with 150 people. We put them on cars, bulletins, handed them to people walking around Forsyth Square. I went to art galleries to meet the owners and artists and invited them out to the show as well. By the end of the day, we were inviting people that we had already invited that morning at other places. I believe that personally inviting people to things is the best, and maybe only truly 100% effective way to make a true impression. How I think about it is energy: by putting the amount of effort and energy into promoting and talking with people, you are showing how much you care about what you do, and it is more attractive to people to go see. If you are an artist please consider the idea that your audience and your opportunities will treat you just like you treat yourself. It starts with you. Take the initiative and show the effort, and it will be returned to you. How you treat your own life and the opportunities in your present directly effects the outcome, don’t fall into the trap of thinking otherwise. But anyways, opening night was such a hit… My friend Ryan DJ’ed an incredible set and we had a vibe all night long. Waves of people were coming in, buying prints, and just enjoying themselves. Honestly it was so surreal… just watching it all happen. We did it! We really did it! The response from the community from the audience to the curators and business owners was all such support. And this is why I f*cks heavy with everyone that was involved because it was a true celebration of craft and art. Just wanting to have a good time and experience real and dope shit. The next I brought my art class to Savannah for the first time. It was such a special time… it felt like everyone kind of needed it in a way. My goal was to sell 10 tickets my first time and we did! What I realized through this experience was the truth of “where there is a will, there is a way…” and how true it is, you just can never give up! In the classes case, I had sold 6 tickets up to the day of the class, then stayed up late making more reels and sharing more online, and boom we got some more sign ups and 2 walk-ins! I’m seeing it all is a mattering of setting your goal and knocking on the door in as many creative ways as you can until it opens up. There is ALWAYS a way through something if you never give up. Overall, this was just such a dope experience… One of my dreams is to travel the world as an artist and gather the stories and experience the heartbeat of the world’s people. Everywhere is so unique and there is so much out there to experience. Going to Savannah was my first step into developing this vision. I want to create a way where I can visit cities all over the world and make art inspired by those places, tattoo there and teach art classes. I want to see the world through the eyes of a creator and to be inspired by all that there is out there. Savannah showed me a little more that I CAN do this and that I AM doing this… all I have to do is take care of myself and keep going. But yes y'all, thanks for reading my first blog back. I will be blogging once a week for the forseeable future. This is my “social media” now haha. But anyways, I hope it helps and as always thank you for your support. OH PS! And just when I thought the weekend couldn’t go any better I got a DM from the Art Director of the JW Marriott Hotel on River St about working together. Here is a picture of the lobby. til next time!

I’m not sure who else feels this way but there is a certain kind of misery that comes with indecision… It’s like different when you don’t know what you want versus when you do know what you want. Like… it's worse if you know what you want and don't go for it cause then you don’t have the excuse of not knowing what you want… There is a certain void that comes with achieving certain things as they only open more questions for me. Things that we are pursuing on our daily basis, that we are told we need…only to find that that’s not really it. I guess this is all part of the growth process in life… trying to find out what we’re really here to do and what really matters at the end of the day… and it’s not what’s going on out here, I don’t think.

Today I am 16 days sober of drugs and alcohol. I am going through such a deep transformation. I will look back on this time of my life as the moment that I knew exactly which direction to go. I realized that in life, it’s no one’s responsibility to tell you what you want to do. This is work of the soul, this is the great work of life, and it’s up to each person to be honest with themselves and to make a conscious decision on who they want to be. When you’re young you think that you’ll wake up one day and be who you want to be, but that’s just not the truth… You have to work to get there. You need to find the path for yourself. For the most part, culture, media and your “friends” cannot help you. I don’t know why it is this time for me, it just is. I felt like I needed to quit drinking and smoking because I needed to admit that these patterns in life were putting me in a fog, acting as obstacles in between myself and who I dream to become in deepest part of my soul. I stopped justifying my actions based on my environment and my peers and made a decision for myself. I feel like I have something to prove to myself, that I can be and do anything I set my mind to no matter that anyone else thinks. I am accepting my life’s call. I know who I want to be and though I do not know the details, I know exactly what I need to do to get there.

So, you know when you have something you want to do… and it just lives in the back of your mind? Just sitting there. When you have spare time, you drift towards it, but then what always happens? Life. Responsibilities. Emotions… you name it. I don’t know what prompted me to open this browser and start blogging again other than that I’m really asking this question right now in my life… “why is it so hard to do what we truly want to do?” which is often much different than what we are actually doing. How often in life do our dreams and the things that will bring us true fulfillment forfeit to other things… mirages of pleasure, social expectations, comfort and safety? Why is it so difficult to be who we dream of being deep in our soul? Blogging, and sharing my thoughts, has been this for me over the last many months. Just sitting in the back of my mind, always inviting me. I feel in a way that writing is a really important of my life and has been one of the most fulfilling efforts I’ve put my time towards in my life. I feel like here I can really talk about what’s on my heart and hopefully it can help you navigate something along your own journey. Many of you might have been reading or following along through my artistic and musical endeavors… but I’ve come to realize in a lot of ways those mediums are an extension of what you are experiencing here… just me. What I think. How I’m processing life… how I bring some sort of meaning to the pain and confusion that is at the core of my human experience. We are both finite specs of dust and little copies of God. How is that going to be easy to understand? This last year of my life was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. In a very tangible way, everything I’ve ever wanted as a young man began to come true. My art career has taken off… I found my place and my voice as a visual artist in Atlanta. I set out in 2020 to “break” my art career and I did exactly that. I went for this with every ounce of energy I had… literally. You know, yall really only see the finished product of everything… but no one but me knows the amount of energy and dedication it took to accomplish everything I did last year… The amount of times I pushed through exhaustion, stayed up all night, got up early, trips to the art store, hardware store, forgot one part, two trips to the hardware store… made it happen at all costs. I don’t know… I went for everything as if the future of my life’s experience depended on what I was doing… which served me and ultimately hurt me at the same time. I was winning awards and grants, most eligible bachelors of Atlanta type stuff, seeing my name on billboards, and having people stop me and recognize me in public. art, women, partying, and eventually money… on repeat. In many ways, a modern young mans dream. And maybe that’s what you see online and believe my life to be, and in many ways I’ve also believed it… but here, on the eve of my 30th birthday, I find almost a chilling sobriety in a perspective that transcends all of these external things and peers deep in the mysterious void that is the soul underneath all that is seen. As an artist, you set out to build an identity around what you do. Naturally, we all want to be known… and for artists, we often believe that once our expression is validated, we will therefore be validated as people. Therefore, in the first stage we pour a great deal of energy into “playing the part.” This is part of the artists’ great power and also great vulnerability. It is one of the great challenges to accept the fact that what you do isn’t who you are, and this is why success turns out to be one of the most deceivingly dangerous things an artist (or person) can experience in their lifetime. Success of any kinds… be it compliments, sales, popularity, awards (which are subjective might I remind you), status… we chase these things but can very easily become intoxicated by their allure… feeling for a moment in our lives the validation for our expression. Recently, I’ve been going through a big burnout. It has been frustrating, as someone who is used to being able to produce anything he sets his mind to… It has been different for me recently. Slower. Like something won’t let me rush on to the next project yet. As I think about it now, I never took time to ever breathe or allow myself to just live… making art, making moves, tattooing, making money… was all that was on my mind for like, a really long time. And though it propelled me into a whole other atmosphere as an artist and person, I think my body eventually caught up to me. It’s like I couldn’t find the feeling of inspiration, I began to dread working or creating. I needed a break. This time has forced me to take a look at the interior of my life… my heart, my soul, my health… and has helped me to further realize this fact that many times in life we can find ourselves on “auto-pilot…” just performing over and over and over again to appease this arbitrary void. This empty feeling... I realized that my work ethic is a double-edged sword because it propels me forward and separates me from most other artists… but it also serves as a coping mechanism to avoid this nagging feeling deep inside, that I am nothing without my ability to create. As I took on more and more of my persona as an artist, it became harder and harder to be honest with myself and what I wanted. It felt as if the initial wonder and awe of all of this was clouded in a hazy mist… corrupted by the need to maintain my status or reputation and to uphold this “image” of a young, emerging rockstar artist. I suppose what I am experiencing now is the unique emptiness that comes from getting everything I thought I wanted… only to feel as empty as I ever have. All of these feelings have led my soul to pose the simple question, “so, what now?” I’ve always heard that in the first half of your life, spiritually, your mission is to build a container for your soul to live in. Simply put, it’s the shell, or that mask, that you will present to the world to attract value, love and validation to you. But it’s a totally strange feeling to realize that you’ve built the container already...It kind of feels like the life you spent your entire youth building and chasing now means nothing and you have to all start over again. I started to really wonder…. How much more do I need? How much more praise and validation could I really receive or even handle? How much more fun can a big party get? How much drunker or higher can I get? How much “hotter” can a girl really be? Where is this all headed? It started to feel like I was stuck in a revolving door… cycling through the motions, eventually forgetting to ever ask myself honestly… is this really what I want? I think what’s made it so hard for me to “open up” here is this idea I have that I need to uphold this persona for the arbitrary “y'all” to adore and to aspire to be. Idk, it’s all so arbitrary. I don’t even know who I’m writing to right now, maybe myself. But anyways, I am afraid of the judgment and the opinions. I’m afraid that I won’t be everything you think I should be, and I also fear that someone out there would use this as an opportunity to put me down or call me weak. But again, I don’t know what led me here to take this up again, but I feel like I really need to do it for myself… To let myself express myself and my thoughts again. To give myself the opportunity here (and in my real life) to be Andrew Huang, the person… and not just Andrew Blooms the artist. I want to be able to talk about the things in life that really matter to us beneath this world of arbitrary digital validation… the things that each of us thinks about all day but don’t really know how to talk about. Generally speaking, we are actually all pursuing the actualization of happiness, fulfillment and peace… it’s just the journey there is long, arduous, and at many times quite dark… I guess what I fear for myself is that I’d spend my life being loyal to that which is not loyal back to me… chasing the superficial pleasures of life, pacified continuously by the next cheap thrill and next great lie… never knowing the true freedom of choosing my own steps and unashamedly pursuing the true desires of my heart. And the truth is, I have really no idea how to move forward, I just know that it is necessary now to do so. And maybe the beginnings of all great changes begin with the willingness to ask yourself the questions of your own soul. And for now, mine is, “so, what now?”

Just painted this today. Sunday… beautiful winter Sunday. Clear skies, crisp and still air. I am finding a great solitude and comfort in my painting. I've wanted to blog more but to be honest, the last few months have been taking my energies elsewhere off the internet. I feel like I really got INTO my painting… started thinking about it on a deeper level. Started really putting my heart into 'em. I started forgetting to really be on the internet documenting. I’m trying to find a balance. Anyways, here is a new painting. People won’t even see it for a while unless you actively read this blog. Keep checking back in, I hope to be posting in this more as a art journal too. But yes to the painting.I wanted to try to depict a still winters day, just like we’ve been having here in Atlanta. I was wanting to try to replicate the woodblock printing colors I’ve been seeing in horishiges work, Giving my hand at background subtlety and creating layers in a piece. I want you to be transported!!

I felt sad today because I went to pray for the first time in a long time and realized I didn’t know who I was praying to. I used to think I did but I’m not so sure now. I felt faithless. Then through a series of divine points I found faith again through the form of forgiveness. Someone gave me a light. It showed me how hard I’ve been on myself for a time now. Feeling like I needed to have it all figured out and to be perfect. It’s something that’s hard to see sometimes because I’m myself on here when I write and do things online, but I’m my inward life I still fear being imperfect so much. Life without love is a cold place. I’m seeing we can hold that light on within ourselves, but sometimes it’s better when someone can hold it for you.

My show is in exactly one month. I’m feeling both extremely excited and extremely stressed out. I have bitten off a healthy mission to accomplish, combining my tattoo work, paining work, and fashion. In my recent sessions, I have been finding such a deep place within myself - a mindstate, a meditative place. Painting is turning out to be the safest place in the world for me right now, and I am fully pressing into this moment in my life. I think what I’ve realized is that a window of opportunity has opened up for me in life, maybe one that always has been slightly cracked until now. I have a window to really push the dream through and make it a reality - the dream of being a world-renown artist. The dream of making meaningful art for the world to see, enjoy and ultimately moved by. For me, I’m looking at my solo show as my entry way into the world. I have such a feeling about it, that it’s going to really start my career and the next chapter of my life. It’s going to be my passport to the a new experience and a new perspective on this journey we call life. The next month is going to be quite challenging. I have a lot to do and each moment of each day matters. I am now living with a subtle pressure that doesn’t ever turn off. One that bites at me when I wake up to get going and one that delays me from putting down the brush. I am creating with a sense of urgency right now… putting the phone away, getting off the internet, getting quiet with myself. Jumping fully into the process without distractions. I want each paint stroke and each small hard decision that goes into this experience to be felt by y'all. I want everyone to be inspired and encouraged in their creativity, to receive the energy that is put forth. I don’t have much more that I can say today other than I’m at work. And I am proud of myself for showing up to the weekly blog <3. October 14, 2022. 333 Peters St. Station. See you there!

38 days until my show. It is grind time for me. It has been yet another eventful week. I was working on a painting a few days ago and got an email asking if I wanted to be interviewed for NPR on “City Lights” with Lois Retizes. I re-read the email about 12 times because there was surely something I was missing. But sure enough, I had read it correctly. The interview will be on my involvement with “Off The Tracks,” a mural project in Kirkwood in later October, and of all the list of artists they had sent the radio, they chose me. I’m just in a place now where I’m just accepting everything that is coming my way. I’m in a time where I can see the fruits of a long time of practice, consistency, and hard work. I’m realizing that I don’t really give myself credit a lot of the time, chalking up everything that’s happening to luck, or my upbringing, or a lot of privileges that I grew up with… but at the same time I do believe that I’ve been making the small same decision to show up in my life over and over and over again, and all the seeds I’ve planted over my life are now beginning to blossom in a new way. This time of my life is affirming all of the misunderstood decisions in my past, showing me that I was right to follow my instinct all this time and that small belief, however wavering, eventually lead me to this place today. I am walking forward with a lot of gratitude, and trying to double down on the details of my life. I’m working on a foundation so that I can use this chance in my life for something truly great. The Process & Showing Up I wanted to write about “the process.” Everyone always says “trust the process” but what does it actually mean? How do we even know where to begin a process? and will the process always be so difficult? Well to be honest, I’m still figuring it out too, but I do know that consistency definitely clarifies and speeds up the process. For me, trusting the process is about understanding that every work I begin will eventually be finished. I do not leave unfinished work. ever. Unfinished work to me is like manifesting some sort of ghost in my life that just sits in the corner talking to me all day and night long. Trusting the process is also accepting that whatever creative venture you set out to do will never come out exactly has you imagined in your head. After all, you are turning something that is not yet seen, into something that is. Some things are going to get lost along the way, but it’s learning to not quit or get frustrated when this happens, but more-so about accepting that the creative process will always yield unforeseen and unpredicted results, and maybe that’s the whole wonder about it. I would encourage everyone and especially artists who are developing and exploring their style: don’t quit when those waves of doubt come in. Don’t listen to the disappointment when it’s coming out different than you thought. Keep showing up, keeping guiding the work, and eventually it will be finished. Every piece of art I start on has a moment near the beginning where I wonder, “is this a totally bad idea?” I’m learning as I paint more that this is a natural part of the process and no need for alarm, just encouragement. I would encourage everyone to learn how to finish art regardless of how you feel about it, you usually find later it’s a lot better than you thought. I think the most detrimental voice you can agree with as an artist is that you are worse than everyone else and that creativity comes easy to everyone around you but you. This cannot be further from the truth. The practice of creating is one of the most difficult things we can do because of its vulnerability. Trying really hard on something you care about is a lot harder than trying something you don’t care about at all because we are all plagued with the fear of failure to a degree. We wonder, what if I put %100 into something and it still “fails…” what then? It’s almost as if we’d prefer to succeed at things that are safe than fail at things that really mean a lot to us. I think in this case, “trusting the process” is about examining the turbulence in your life and understanding that often times the area of greatest fear is the area we may need to be moving closer to. It makes you nervous because you care. What are things in your life that you almost don’t like to think about because admitting it would be admitting that you need to change? What dreams and ideas live inside you and give you goosebumps when you imagine them? What terrifies you? Answer these questions and you can most certainly find what you need to do. Showing Up: I believe in the muse but my experience and my observations show me that the muse is gentle. the muse likes to be courted and does not force your hand. The muse will let you sit around for days, weeks, months, and years - waiting, hoping you may rise to draw it in. Personally, I don’t believe in “waiting for inspiration to strike.” but I believe in the partnership and union between me as the vessel, and the muse. The muse cannot strike unless I show up, simple as that. As I make a choice to prioritize my time to work on my craft, the more readily the muse reveals itself to me. The more willing I am to sit within the excruciating state of process and creativity, the more willing the muse is to come help me and guide me. I believe that consistency makes yourself most available for inspiration to find you, and is a required discipline for anyone who would like to seriously grow as an artist to next levels. How often do you show up to your canvas, journal, or instrument? Based on many conversations I am a part of or hear, it seems most people want to skip the practice part and get right to the successes. Most artists out here want the lifestyle of the artist, but not the process of becoming one. But I will say this, this is based on my own experience right now in my life. Commit to showing up as consistently as possible - and it doesn’t have to be a lot, but just show up. Do a sketch a day, take a photo a day, write every day. Something small. Commit to showing up through your doubts and disappointments, and everything else will starting flowing from there. Now Or Later It’s really coming down to this for me y'all. Maybe there is a chance, if I do al the grimy, unglorified, glory-less stuff now: the work, the process, the consistency, the practice…I’m thinking maybe if I just put my head down, for serious on all this, I won’t have to do as much stuff I don’t want to do later. That’s why I ‘m working so hard to develop my foundation now, so I can have something to build off of in the future. I’m developing a vision for how I want to experience life, and believe I am starting to understand the design and the ways I can make that happen. I’m very focused now, as the vision has started to clear. I know which way to go. 38 days til showtime. I’m excited to see these paintings and arts come to life. Thanks for reading, til next week.

It’s the weekly blog. To be honest I had no energy for a recap blog this week. I’m very tired, and it’s been a challenging time, I’m just waiting for these ramen noodles to “cook.” I been doing a lot of work, not just in art but in my own life. Pausing to check in with myself, being honest, and being willing to make hard decisions for my own future. Man, it’s hard work. Changing patterns, observing your own life, and being objective with yourself is proving to me an incredibly difficult and elusive task. It’s hard to grasp… One thing I’ve been thinking about recently is the power of developing some sort of vision - it can be very specific, or it can be vague. It could be about how you want your life to look, or what kind of work you want to do, or what kind of person you want to be. Many aspect of our lives can be envisioned, the challenging part is doing the work to understand those parts of yourself, which often can be masked by the distractions and the influences of the superficial worlds in which we live. What I’m finding in my own life is that finding somewhat of a vision, or something to aim help, has helped me contextualize the challenges in my life as another part of the journey. I am now interpreting resistance in my life as an opportunity to stop, learn and ultimately evolve from that point on, realizing more and more how small I am amidst the bigger context of all the world. I’ve wondered why it is so challenging to not take things personally in life, and how clouded my mind and spirit become when I get into those conversations in my head. I’ve been spending days and days pondering this. Why is it so hard to move on from rejection? Why is it so hard to move past feeling misunderstood, or not enough? Why does it feel sometimes that I am trapped in my emotions, unable to find a reason… leading to the frustrated response of blame. I reflected on how i speak to me myself, and where that voice even came from. And through all this I realized a key component that I felt like I have missing my whole life…One grace that I have failed to extend myself. A big silent conversation that I’ve always wanted to have but never had the faith or esteem to have. And it’s simply that I haven’t ever forgiven myself for being me and having the experiences I’ve had in life. I’ve never given myself the chance to just be another one out of a billion, unknowing of really how to move or interact with this often confusing world. I realized I had never stopped intentionally to view myself as a work in progress, and had always held this deep expectation of myself to be perfect. It’s the beginning of a new way of thinking for me, it’s very uncomfortable and awkward. I’ve been more open recently to the idea of pausing to observe my shadow - to see how it moves and what it has to teach me. I’m seeing now that the shadow that was kept in the dark was the shadow that was unseen, and by only turning on the light was I able to see him. But, forgiveness has been the key. Each day I try to remind myself, “I forgive you, and I am here to work with you and not against you.” And the other half of me is learning to trust it. As I work on my inner dialogue, I find myself able to see myself clearer. As I extend grace to myself, I no longer have to protect that person from the truth, because in those moments, event just for a moment, I know somehow that I am loved. I’m learning to protect this light at all costs, cause in this place everything, especially your challenges, can be given a context and purpose. “I forgive you.” have you said it to yourself today?

So I’m sitting here in Atlantic station about to watch a movie. I been thinking about the color schemes I wanna use in the show, and I movement trying to find references for the explorer schemes. I had a realization just now that I already had seen the colors in my head (from experiences in life) and I felt a voice that assured me I could trust my instinct. I closed the Google and realized that the color schemes already exist in my imagination, and therefore they exist in real life (and will physically soon).

I’ve always viewed trust as something we extend to the world or other people but never thought about whether or not i trust myself. Doubt is such a powerful force in our lives and lately I’ve been wondering why doubt exists. I think I’m learning to trust myself, understanding and accepting that I’m on the right path. Art is the exercise. It’s all decision making and building a relationship with myself and trusting that person to lead me in the right direction. I was frustrated at a painting today but I stopped to reflect and be proud of myself for even showing up at all. It’s serious but not that serious sometimes.

Another week passes by. I am 53 days away from the opening of my solo show, “Blooms Floating World.” I have decided to work on this show in secret. I don’t want anyone to see any of the work until it is complete. It is tough because I love sharing so much process work and I know yall really enjoy seeing how it’s being made as well… but I am discovering that this process for me is going to be very deep and personal for me. Each day, I’m showing up to my canvases and taking a deep look into myself and into my life… expressing how I see and putting 100% of myself into the work. the work is spilling out in such a unique way, I’m learning to let go… to trust myself more and more and more. I’m realizing that there are no wrong answers, only honesty, love and freedom. I think these are the things we are experiencing when we see truly great art… a free mind. an honest mind… expressed into the art. For my show, I’ve been thinking a lot about my intention. Why am I making the art I am making? And what do I hope my audience to take away from my show? I think the answer continues to be refined as I continue to work on my paintings, but I know that I want everyone to feel transported to a new place in a way. I want the show to be a reminder of the many worlds we can travel to just in our own spirit and mind. I want to reach deep and touch the place of pure amazement, inspiration, and bewilderment. I am watching all of the Studio Ghibli movies currently because I am very inspired by the art and the incredible marriage of realism and animation and fantasy that these movies have. It’s the feeling for me, and I’m wanting that same feeling to be felt when everyone steps into that gallery in October. I am on a trajectory of exponential growth. I am energized and really focused. Sometimes I wonder if I’m “too focused.” It seems all I think about or care about at this time is the mission I have at hand - to make as much art as I possibly can and to make a positive impact through art on the community around me. I can almost feel myself stretching and growing with each day’s demands and challenges. I am being challenged daily by higher standards for myself and this unyielding desire to reach the next level of my life as a person and as an artist. Humility is turning out to be the most elusive yet most powerful weapon of all. The lower you can go, the more can flow towards you. I’m. starting to believe this as a 100% natural law. THIS WEEK IN REVIEW Mike Flow at The Love Below First of all, we got to go see Mike Flo DJ his party called “The High” At the Love Below Speakeasy. It was hidden away in this complex, and we just followed these mysterious arrows until we found ourselves in this little speakeasy with maybe about 20-30 peoples. But man, one of the most amazing DJ sets I’ve ever heard. The sound selections and the sonics… it was just next level. I was mesmerized... in a continual flow of just amazing music. Forever a fan of Mike Flo man… that was super epic to me. Tattoo I got to do to some really really enjoyable tattoos this week. One of the most exciting was my first freehand tattoo. By freehand I mean that I was able to execute the tattoo without the stencil, drawing the design right there on the skin and tattooing it on after an outline of red sharpie for the form and black sharpie for the details. I was researching Japanese tattooing and stumbled upon a video called “Life With Shisei” where tattoo master Horiyoshi III describes the philosophy of the Shisei, or the tattoo design. He talks about how, just like life, a whole design is made up of all the little parts and decisions. It is all a sum of all the small parts to make the whole. He compared it to life, how our whole life can be boiled down to the years, which can be boiled down to the month, day, moment, and second. It is the same with the masterful tattoo, which is the sum of all of its hundreds or thousands of lines. I was really moved by this video, further affirming my path and my desires. I watched and began to think about my own art and my own life, and decided I too wanted to pursue something transcendent in my art. That inspired me then to take the risk of doing the freehand peony, because I wanted to access that depth and level of art. I Wanted to be able to flow and further remove the obstacles between the artist and the skin canvas. I was nervous to do the tattoo, but ultimately I came to the realization that I can’t really be wrong. This came from accepting the path I was on and accepting that I was where I was for a specific reason. This philosophy has been changing my life and unlocking the creative possibilities before me. As a creative, believe me, I understand the struggle. The sinking feeling in your stomach, wondering if your piece is going to be any good, if its going to turn out to be something worthwhile. Wondering if you will be wrong. But what if you starting looking at it different? As if there are no wrong answers, just opportunities to discover and to learn. What if the idea of “mistakes” as a creative is just in your own head, and that the reality is that there are endless options to go from after each decision. This has led me to begin creating out of the idea that there is NO wrong answers, and that the only WRONG thing to do as a creative is to quit. 10/10 times when I push through to finish something I am doubting, it always turns out ok. We just need to get into the discipline of finishing and showing up to your work as often as humanly possible. But anyways, yes I feel the confidence growing, I feel the focus narrowing. Completing this tattoo was one of the most fulfilling moments for me and is a milestone for me as a tattoo artist. I can’t wait to do it again. check out some photos. Thank you Sarah for letting me do this tattoo! Class I also taught my 5th class this week. I am so proud of everyone’s Tigers. Doing this class is one of my favorite things to do… seeing everyone just get to enjoy art and get out of the everyday routine, enjoy some drinks and some creativity. Might be nothing better. Here are some photos from class. My next class will be in September- please be on the lookout. TIGHTENING UP I’m tightening up and taking names (in my own life haha). I’m taking the names of my vices, old mindsets, old patterns. Everything is in review still. I’m learning to pay attention to my body, my spirit… what is it trying to tell me? What is it calling me towards. I’ve just recently started getting back into the gym and prioritizing my diet and lifestyle more. The life in the arts is amazing, don’t get me wrong, lots of outings, art openings, clubs…. it has been such an amazing experience, but I think life is turning a slight chapter at least for now, and I know that taking care of myself - mind body and spirit - is going to critical for the next chapter of my life. I know it’s coming, I feel it in me, and I’ve heard about it. It is coming, but I’m heeding the warnings and the wisdoms of my mentors and OG’s - make sure you are MENTALLY ready. I’m getting ready, doing the work, having the awkward conversations with myself and others, believing that it ALL has something to teach me and lead me to. I can feel it, new heights to see, I just want to walk with wisdom to make the most out of this life. Healing, discipline, intention seem like concepts I feel like I’ve lost touch with over the last few years, but for whatever reason I am being brought back around to them. At the end of the day, aren’t these things actually more important than all the other stuff we think we need? I’m opening up to the process, more willing to let go of that which does not serve me as each day goes by. It’s never perfect by any means, but in a lot of ways I’ve been proud of myself recently too. Only I know the extent of my own decisions, down into the deep recesses of my mind, and can say with all honestly I’m starting to like that person I find deep in there. I’m getting to know him, learning to work with him, and learning to forgive him - which I’m seeing now is one of the most important processes one could ever begin. It is a beautiful time y’all. The art is exploding at my seems. It’s me in full form coming out. All the years and the hours of just trying with everything I’ve had… is coming to bloom. My purpose and direction is becoming clearer, intentions are refining, and to put it most simply, I believe that I’m coming to find a truly true version of myself. But yeah y'all, it’s Monday night, I’m about to dive into the studio and get after it on my paintings. I can’t wait for the world to see. 53 days. -AB