I guess I just started to ask myself if I wanted to continue to live the same day over and over again. Recently I have been having a lot of moments where I’ll find myself in the same environment, same situation, same dilemma, maybe just the characters changed. The same feelings over and over again, and deeper than that the question: “is this where im supposed to be?”
Recently I’ve been feeling like my life has been on some sort of loop - the same everyday… though the characters and the content may change… pretty much the same. Patterns of thinking, habits, choices… repeating and repeating. And I’ve felt recently this urge to break out, to break something in the pattern…. to find different paths to different places.
There are things I have always struggled with procrastinating - dishes, cleaning the apartment, getting the oil changed. In a way when it comes to certain things I’ll always tell myself I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ve been asking myself, well what if “tomorrow” ever comes? since I continue to kick the can down the road. Is it possible in life, when we speak of reality and not how we wish reality to be, that we can delay things for so long that our “tomorrows” can easily and ever so subtly become “nevers.” As time flies by, it continues to reveal this truth, as we begin to realize that time continues to pass iregardleness of our decicioon or indeiciosn.
I felt like I woke up one day and began to ask myself, seriously, if I would like to continue to repeat yesterday… over and over and over again… or might I find, on the other side of decisive change, a whole new reality for myself…a reality I might like to repeat more and more.
It is alarming how easily it is to fall asleep in this world…. to be swept along in the great current of the concerns and patterns of contemporary life. And what do you do when you begin to realize that you’ve been saying “tomorrow” for so long that the opportunity loses patience.
Tonight I didn’t race to a bar after work and instead I decided instead to write this. I felt in a way, that I had finally lived that day enough times.