Forgiving yourself

It’s the weekly blog. To be honest I had no energy for a recap blog this week. I’m very tired, and it’s been a challenging time, I’m just waiting for these ramen noodles to “cook.”

I been doing a lot of work, not just in art but in my own life. Pausing to check in with myself, being honest, and being willing to make hard decisions for my own future. Man, it’s hard work. Changing patterns, observing your own life, and being objective with yourself is proving to me an incredibly difficult and elusive task. It’s hard to grasp…

One thing I’ve been thinking about recently is the power of developing some sort of vision - it can be very specific, or it can be vague. It could be about how you want your life to look, or what kind of work you want to do, or what kind of person you want to be. Many aspect of our lives can be envisioned, the challenging part is doing the work to understand those parts of yourself, which often can be masked by the distractions and the influences of the superficial worlds in which we live. What I’m finding in my own life is that finding somewhat of a vision, or something to aim help, has helped me contextualize the challenges in my life as another part of the journey. I am now interpreting resistance in my life as an opportunity to stop, learn and ultimately evolve from that point on, realizing more and more how small I am amidst the bigger context of all the world.

I’ve wondered why it is so challenging to not take things personally in life, and how clouded my mind and spirit become when I get into those conversations in my head. I’ve been spending days and days pondering this. Why is it so hard to move on from rejection? Why is it so hard to move past feeling misunderstood, or not enough? Why does it feel sometimes that I am trapped in my emotions, unable to find a reason… leading to the frustrated response of blame. I reflected on how i speak to me myself, and where that voice even came from.

and through all this I realized a key component that I felt like I have missing my whole life…One grace that I have failed to extend myself. A big silent conversation that I’ve always wanted to have but never had the faith or esteem to have. And it’s simply that I haven’t ever forgiven myself for being me and having the experiences I’ve had in life. I’ve never given myself the chance to just be another one out of a billion, unknowing of really how to move or interact with this often confusing world. I realized I had never stopped intentionally to view myself as a work in progress, and had always held this deep expectation of myself to be perfect.

It’s the beginning of a new way of thinking for me, it’s very uncomfortable and awkward. I’ve been more open recently to the idea of pausing to observe my shadow - to see how it moves and what it has to teach me. I’m seeing now that the shadow that was kept in the dark was the shadow that was unseen, and by only turning on the light was I able to see him. But, forgiveness has been the key. Each day I try to remind myself, “I forgive you, and I am here to work with you and not against you.” And the other half of me is learning to trust it.

As I work on my inner dialogue, I find myself able to see myself clearer. As I extend grace to myself, I no longer have to protect that person from the truth, because in those moments, event just for a moment, I know somehow that I am loved. I’m learning to protect this light at all costs, cause in this place everything, especially your challenges, can be given a context and purpose.

“I forgive you.”

have you said it to yourself today?