38 days until my show. It is grind time for me. It has been yet another eventful week. I was working on a painting a few days ago and got an email asking if I wanted to be interviewed for NPR on “City Lights” with Lois Retizes. I re-read the email about 12 times because there was surely something I was missing. But sure enough, I had read it correctly. The interview will be on my involvement with “Off The Tracks,” a mural project in Kirkwood in later October, and of all the list of artists they had sent the radio, they chose me.
I’m just in a place now where I’m just accepting everything that is coming my way. I’m in a time where I can see the fruits of a long time of practice, consistency, and hard work. I’m realizing that I don’t really give myself credit a lot of the time, chalking up everything that’s happening to luck, or my upbringing, or a lot of privileges that I grew up with… but at the same time I do believe that I’ve been making the small same decision to show up in my life over and over and over again, and all the seeds I’ve planted over my life are now beginning to blossom in a new way. This time of my life is affirming all of the misunderstood decisions in my past, showing me that I was right to follow my instinct all this time and that small belief, however wavering, eventually lead me to this place today. I am walking forward with a lot of gratitude, and trying to double down on the details of my life. I’m working on a foundation so that I can use this chance in my life for something truly great.
The Process & Showing Up
I wanted to write about “the process.” Everyone always says “trust the process” but what does it actually mean? How do we even know where to begin a process? and will the process always be so difficult? Well to be honest, I’m still figuring it out too, but I do know that consistency definitely clarifies and speeds up the process.
For me, trusting the process is about understanding that every work I begin will eventually be finished. I do not leave unfinished work. ever. Unfinished work to me is like manifesting some sort of ghost in my life that just sits in the corner talking to me all day and night long. Trusting the process is also accepting that whatever creative venture you set out to do will never come out exactly has you imagined in your head. After all, you are turning something that is not yet seen, into something that is. Some things are going to get lost along the way, but it’s learning to not quit or get frustrated when this happens, but more-so about accepting that the creative process will always yield unforeseen and unpredicted results, and maybe that’s the whole wonder about it. I would encourage everyone and especially artists who are developing and exploring their style: don’t quit when those waves of doubt come in. Don’t listen to the disappointment when it’s coming out different than you thought. Keep showing up, keeping guiding the work, and eventually it will be finished. Every piece of art I start on has a moment near the beginning where I wonder, “is this a totally bad idea?” I’m learning as I paint more that this is a natural part of the process and no need for alarm, just encouragement. I would encourage everyone to learn how to finish art regardless of how you feel about it, you usually find later it’s a lot better than you thought.
I think the most detrimental voice you can agree with as an artist is that you are worse than everyone else and that creativity comes easy to everyone around you but you. This cannot be further from the truth. The practice of creating is one of the most difficult things we can do because of its vulnerability. Trying really hard on something you care about is a lot harder than trying something you don’t care about at all because we are all plagued with the fear of failure to a degree. We wonder, what if I put %100 into something and it still “fails…” what then? It’s almost as if we’d prefer to succeed at things that are safe than fail at things that really mean a lot to us. I think in this case, “trusting the process” is about examining the turbulence in your life and understanding that often times the area of greatest fear is the area we may need to be moving closer to. It makes you nervous because you care. What are things in your life that you almost don’t like to think about because admitting it would be admitting that you need to change? What dreams and ideas live inside you and give you goosebumps when you imagine them? What terrifies you? Answer these questions and you can most certainly find what you need to do.
Showing Up: I believe in the muse but my experience and my observations show me that the muse is gentle. the muse likes to be courted and does not force your hand. The muse will let you sit around for days, weeks, months, and years - waiting, hoping you may rise to draw it in. Personally, I don’t believe in “waiting for inspiration to strike.” but I believe in the partnership and union between me as the vessel, and the muse. The muse cannot strike unless I show up, simple as that. As I make a choice to prioritize my time to work on my craft, the more readily the muse reveals itself to me. The more willing I am to sit within the excruciating state of process and creativity, the more willing the muse is to come help me and guide me. I believe that consistency makes yourself most available for inspiration to find you, and is a required discipline for anyone who would like to seriously grow as an artist to next levels. How often do you show up to your canvas, journal, or instrument? Based on many conversations I am a part of or hear, it seems most people want to skip the practice part and get right to the successes. Most artists out here want the lifestyle of the artist, but not the process of becoming one. But I will say this, this is based on my own experience right now in my life. Commit to showing up as consistently as possible - and it doesn’t have to be a lot, but just show up. Do a sketch a day, take a photo a day, write every day. Something small. Commit to showing up through your doubts and disappointments, and everything else will starting flowing from there.
Now Or Later
It’s really coming down to this for me yall. Maybe there is a chance, if I do al the grimy, unglorified, glory-less stuff now: the work, the process, the consistency, the practice…I’m thinking maybe if I just put my head down, for serious on all this, I won’t have to do as much stuff I don’t want to do later. That’s why I ‘m working so hard to develop my foundation now, so I can have something to build off of in the future. I’m developing a vision for how I want to experience life, and believe I am starting to understand the design and the ways I can make that happen. I’m very focused now, as the vision has started to clear. I know which way to go.
38 days til showtime. I’m excited to see these paintings and arts come to life.
Thanks for reading, til next week.